Some Pre-Baby Thoughts

We're about 5 weeks away now (give or take two in either direction). I'm almost 35 weeks pregnant...entering month 9. This pregnancy has flown by for me, thanks to my crazy pre-schooler, even crazier husband and the unexpected things life throws your way (see previous posts for more detailed info). It has now just started to occur to me that, by this time next month, I could be holding my little girl in my arms instead of feeling her do pirouettes on my bladder.

I'm nervous. How is Bryce going to react? Is he going to feel slighted by the amount of time Abbie will need from us? In an attempt to still give Bryce the attention he needs, will Abbie get slighted? How is Brett going to handle two kids? Will he be helpful or a cranky jerk?

I've felt my anxiety surge in the last couple of weeks, too. I've been up nights, just thinking about all sorts of things and can't sleep (besides normal pregnancy insomnia). Wondering if I should go back on the good 'ole "crazy pills" (as my mother lovingly refers to them) once Abbie is here, so that I have one less thing to deal with.

How will labor and delivery go? I've been through it once, so I know what to expect, but just wondering what parts will be the same, what parts will be different. It will just be Brett and I this time...will he be able to be the support system I need, or will I feel alone despite his physical presence?

Are we ever going to be able to find a groove in this house? So many things need to be done yet (cleaning-wise). No one but me seems to see the clutter and dirt in the house, so no one but me seems to be willing to clean it. All of a sudden my husband has gone from a neat-freak to someone who walks in the door, drops the contents of his arms around him, and then heads back outside to have fun, to softball, or to hang out with friends. I finally told him last night that I was on strike again. Until he finds the time to spend in this house, working on our projects and spending time with Bryce and me, that is. He did take Bryce putt-putt golfing this morning, as he does almost every weekend, but I'm sure the rest of the afternoon will be spent outside puttering around fixing the boat.

Will I finally get to be a stay at home mama? Or, will my maternity leave fly by and I'll be back to haggling dollars and cents with personal injury attorneys by Christmas? God, I hope not. There are just so many things to think about, all of which are beginning to weigh heavily. Suppose this is probably normal.

ANXIETY!!!

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in October of 2006, however, I believe I've been battling the disorder since I was about 7 or 8. It finally got bad enough that I was afraid I might harm someone, so I sought help, and was relieved to find out that I wasn't crazy, that the fact that I thought something was seriously wrong was a good sign that I never would have acted on my thoughts, and was put on medication to help the symptoms, as well as seeking cognitive-behavioral therapy with a wonderful mental health clinician.



I've been on my meds since then, with a few alternations (most notably a change to ensure safety in a unborn fetus), and have been seeing my counselor regularly. For the most part, my anxiety has been in check, with only one "flare up" about 2 months ago that lasted a couple of weeks.



I saw my counselor yesterday and told her I felt absolutely fine. In fact, my anxiety was at a zero on a scale of 1-10, and because I had such a good report, she let me leave the session early.



Then last night, something triggered my anxiety and intrusive thoughts to return. As such, it was another long night and reminding myself that 1)my thoughts were completely unrealistic, and 2)my thoughts are separate from who I really am. I'm not sure what time I finally passed out, but it was pretty late at night. I hate anxiety.



All it is is an irrational fear. I know it's irrational. But, when it's late at night, I can't seem to shake it and I worry like mad. It drives me absolutely crazy, because I am a smart person, I research things I don't know to avoid fear of the unknown, I employ the tools my counselor has taught me over the years, and I still can't seem to shake this crazy, irrational fear that has haunted me since Halloween of 2006.