ANXIETY!!!

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in October of 2006, however, I believe I've been battling the disorder since I was about 7 or 8. It finally got bad enough that I was afraid I might harm someone, so I sought help, and was relieved to find out that I wasn't crazy, that the fact that I thought something was seriously wrong was a good sign that I never would have acted on my thoughts, and was put on medication to help the symptoms, as well as seeking cognitive-behavioral therapy with a wonderful mental health clinician.



I've been on my meds since then, with a few alternations (most notably a change to ensure safety in a unborn fetus), and have been seeing my counselor regularly. For the most part, my anxiety has been in check, with only one "flare up" about 2 months ago that lasted a couple of weeks.



I saw my counselor yesterday and told her I felt absolutely fine. In fact, my anxiety was at a zero on a scale of 1-10, and because I had such a good report, she let me leave the session early.



Then last night, something triggered my anxiety and intrusive thoughts to return. As such, it was another long night and reminding myself that 1)my thoughts were completely unrealistic, and 2)my thoughts are separate from who I really am. I'm not sure what time I finally passed out, but it was pretty late at night. I hate anxiety.



All it is is an irrational fear. I know it's irrational. But, when it's late at night, I can't seem to shake it and I worry like mad. It drives me absolutely crazy, because I am a smart person, I research things I don't know to avoid fear of the unknown, I employ the tools my counselor has taught me over the years, and I still can't seem to shake this crazy, irrational fear that has haunted me since Halloween of 2006.

Disappointment Finds Me Again...

My baby is almost 3. I want another baby. I've wanted another baby since Bryce was born. I have a husband who told me pre-marriage that he was fine with 2 more kids, but now has decided he's..."on the fence"...which, in the English language means "I don't want anymore kids, but I'm going to bide my time and string you along until you give up."

So, I proposed a time line back in January about the last possible time I would want to be pregnant/have another baby, mostly because I don't want Bryce to be too much older than his sibling. I have changed up some of my medications to make it safe in the event we had an "oops", and I went off birth control in March. Now all that's left is to let the baby making begin.

About 2 weeks ago, we were intimate more often than usual. Every time I asked if he wanted to use a condom, he said yes. I'm not into tricking the man, if we're going to have a kid, I want him to be on board, and I don't want to be blamed for an oops. However, our condoms were expired, and I said so, but he didn't seem to care, so we proceeded.

Flash forward to two days ago. My boobs are sore, I'm peeing every 10 seconds, and Aunt Flo is spotty at best, but not like my usual. So, I'm thinking, "hmm...maybe....JUST maybe those expired condoms gave me what I wanted..." But, I'm trying not to get my hopes up, just trying to rationalize it, but just praying in the back of my mind.

Now, here I am today. Still having all the same symptoms, Aunt Flo still coming and going, and treading very lightly. So, while grocery shopping, I decide I should probably buy a prego test, just to know. One, it will put my mind at ease, two, there is still one medication I need to stop when I become pregnant, and three, I'm on a co-ed slowpitch softball team and I don't want to put anything unborn inside of me at risk.

So, once home, went upstairs and locked myself into the bathroom. Took the test...waiting two minutes...and..

Not Pregnant.

Oh well.

My heart sank. I knew the possibility of getting pregnant on a one month-expired condom was slim, but I was so hoping that it would happen. So, I left the bathroom, with the test and box hidden in a bag (my husband would have laughed me out of the house had he known), threw it in the dumpster, and then went on about my night as if all was normal.

I just don't understand where a man gets off telling someone he'll give her all the babies she wants, and then changes his mind. If I didn't have a conscience, I would already be pregnant. But I want to do this the right way, which means I run the distinct possibility of only having one. I love my son to death, and if he's all I get, then I will learn to accept that, but I just feel so betrayed right now.

:(

Manic Monday

So, my baby woke up several times last night, barking like a seal and wheezing. So, of course, it fell on me to take him to his pediatrician this morning. Croup. I thought only little babies got that, but apparently toddlers can get it too. So, then I had to go to the pharmacy to get meds, then trek out to BFE to take him to daycare (that's my own doing...sometimes it's worth a drive to have your child with a good care provider during the day when you can't be there), and only THEN was I able to sit down at my computer and begin work. Mind you, I'd been on the clock since 8AM (ah, salary...), but didn't do anything work related other than change my voicemail until about noon. I managed to push hard and get everything done before 4:30 (including the stuff I was supposed to finish Friday and didn't because I didn't want to).

Sometimes it sucks to be the one with the flexible job.

Fighting Procrastination

Hi Grinders, and Happy Friday! It's about 3:15, I only have a bit over an hour of work left, and I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. I have a few things that I have left to do for today, all of which could be pushed to Monday without penalty, but I know come Monday I'll be kicking myself for not completing these very minor tasks. When it's all said and done, it should only take me 1/2 hour tops, but instead, here I am again!

So, I'm allowing myself 10 minutes here, and then I've promised myself I will finish my work chores and leave early for the day. What to talk about...hmm...how about men!

Why is it that when you share anything with your husband, when it's good it's his, but when it's bad, it's yours? Case in point, yesterday, my hubby was looking at our checking account and credit card balance. He then delcares that our balance is too high, and he's going to literally freeze my credit card in the freezer so I can't use it. Now, I admit I've had plenty of issues with spending more than my share in the past, but other than buying plane tickets to go see my mom in Wisconsin, I haven't spent a dime on the Visa.

So, today, while I was procrastinating, I logged into the account, and sure enough, all of the charges for the last month save one was due to my darling husband's indulgences. At least $1200 in new charges. So, when confronted with this, he turns it back around on me and blames me for forgetting to pay off the tickets with my profit sharing check (which was indeed the plan, and I did forget to put it in the account...eh, I'm human). So, now, we're down to bare bones in our checking account and can't afford to make our minimum payment on time and it's ALL my fault. Indeed.

At Work...

So, I'm lucky enough to have the kind of job where I am able to work from home more often than not. But, occasionally, I have to make the 20 minute trek into the office and sit at my "real" desk. The problem is, I haven't seen my co-workers all week, and being the social butterfly that I am, I want to catch up and talk to EVERYONE, and I therefore don't get much done. Either that, or I have to cram it all in the afternoon, when I REALLY don't feel like working.

I've tried everything, believe me. I've tried putting headphones in to look unavailable, but that doesn't keep ME from talking to others. Basically, I lack the self-control to sit still and do my work if there are other things to distract me.

Hence, why I'm blogging right now instead of doing work!

Have a fabulous day, grinders!

Live Like You Were Dying

Please take 10 minutes out of your day to watch this truly inspiring video of a speech given by Dr. Randy Pausch, a professor from Carnegie-Mellon who is dying of pancreatic cancer.
It will change your life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgyuYHXqlO4

Welcome to My Daily Grind

Good Morning, fellow grinders, how are you? Welcome to my new blog. I'm afraid to admit that I'm a little behind the times with this blogging business. I love to write, but it's taken me this long to actually create a blog of my own that didn't amount to anything more than a random MySpace comment here and there. The important thing is I'm here now!

First, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Kristy, but I'd like to think my life is like that of Every Woman. I am 28 years old, I work full-time, I have been married for almost 4 years to Brett and we have an almost 3 year-old son named Bryce. Brett has a 16 year old daughter named Shayann (it's pronounced Shay Ann, not Cheyanne, though she's stopped correcting people...that doesn't mean that I have to). We are lucky enough to own a home in a quiet suburban neighborhood with friendly neighbors.

Brett and I both have dysfunctional families, but who doesn't? I think anyone who believes their family to be functional is no fun.

So, welcome to my world. I'm sure at times it will sound mundane, other times you may be able to relate. Whatever your reason for checking out my daily grind, feel free to read to your heart's content, comment, ask me questions. My life is an open book!